Monday, December 21, 2009

Sensitivity - Curse or Blessing?

I have to be honest with you all - this post was really hard for me to write. I don't like appearing weak, or unable. But, today, we'll be discussing something that I struggle with enormously. It's one of my many flaws.
I don't do well with scary movies. And, I'm not just talking horror movies, I'm talking other movies that normal people don't mind at all. I could get freaked out by a trailer! The other day I saw the trailer for The Lovely Bones. Don't watch it; I don't want it to freak you out too. But, I know plenty of people who have seen that trailer and it didn't bother them one bit. They actually want to go see it! But, for me, it messed me up.
That night, I tossed and turned as I tried to go to sleep. I didn't like it to be so dark, so I turned on a few lights. In the darkness shapes appeared, shadows walked across my room. Whenever I closed my eyes, pictures flashed across them - horrible pictures, pictures of murder, pictures that scared me. My heartbeat quickened and my breathing was rapid, I felt fear start to bubble up in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't close my eyes for fear that the images would come back.
I got up out of bed and had my dad pray with me, but try as I might, I could not go to sleep. I went downstairs to watch TV, get my mind off things, but, still, everytime my eyes would drift shut, images would flood my brain. I didn't go to sleep until 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning that night. And, I was already sick, so it wasn't beneficial.
My dad says that this is a blessing, a gift. He says that not everyone has such a sensitive heart. He says it's good because my heart can tell when something is wrong and should not be, and it doesn't like it. To me, though, it's a curse. I can't watch a movie trailer because it will scare me and I won't be able to sleep, even when I want to sleep. At one point that night, I just broke down crying to God saying, "I just want to sleep! I don't want to be afraid!" Right now, I hate this part of myself. I don't like who God has made me in this area. Hopefully, that will change in time. God will change my heart, so that I fully accept all of who he has made me - sensitivity and all.

No comments:

Post a Comment