I wrestled quite a bit with myself. Now, I'm naturally a deep thinker, but this stuff was intense even for me.
God has given me passion and/or talent in so many areas - writing, music, academics, children, Africa, orphans. I can't decide where he's calling me.
I know people younger than me who have a drive, one area where they know for sure God is calling them in their lives, and they are preparing for that future.
But, I don't have that yet, or rather, I have more than one. And I can't decide which one to follow.
God has gifted me greatly in academics - I could probably get a college scholarship if I wanted to. And, if I got a scholarship, I could become a film score composer - just like I always wanted.
But, I also have a dream of going to Africa and helping the orphans. Lately, this is what I'm leaning toward. Yes, it might not be the luxury life, but it'd be a joyful and fulfilling life. Can you just imagine it? Spending every day giving food to little boys and girls, telling them about Jesus, and giving them all some hugs and kisses they were missing. There would be death, yes. There would be sickness and sadness, yes. But you get that wherever you go, and I'd rather be doing something worthwhile while it's happening.
So, right now I'm torn. If I go to Africa, I may never become the film score composer I always wanted to be. But if I go to college and become a composer, I might never get to help all those orphans. So, I don't know which to prepare for. But, I want to do something.
Ever since I stopped raising money for Dennis, I've felt kind of empty, purposeless. I want to do something to help someone. People always say that the little things in life matter, but I want to do something BIG! I want people to see the love of God through me! And, right now, I'm thinking that may be by helping the orphans in Africa. I'm sure God will work it out. But, meanwhile, he's teaching me to be patient and follow him even when I can't see two feet in front of me.