Sisters

I love it when babies come home. I love it when the orphan comes home to their forever family. I love reading about it. I love seeing how it changes the life of the orphan and the lives of the family members.

But my heart is still jealously broken every time I read about a baby coming home. Because my babies aren't home. My sister is stuck in a run-down orphanage waiting for us.

The bad thing about having an incredibly active imagination is that you can feel things. I can feel Evan in my arms. I can hear her laughing. I can see her running around with Levi. But she's not there. And this dreamer can't stand it.

I just want my sister home. I don't understand why God wants us to wait. I know He has a reason, but that doesn't make the wait any easier.

I have another sister, though. My other sister is stuck in a Peruvian orphanage. Her birth parents never gave up her legal rights, so she will never be available for adoption.

This hurts almost more than Evan. Evan will come home. She'll grow into adulthood surrounded by people that love her more than anything in the world. She'll grow up knowing that she is God's beautiful daughter, and that she is dearly, dearly loved.

Carmensita won't. My Peruvian sister will never come home.

It breaks my heart. Does she have anyone at the orphanage that loves her like me? I hope so. Are they reading her the bible I got her? I hope so. Does she know that she is dearly loved? I beg God every day that she does.

All through Evan's adoption process, and ever since I got back from Peru, I can't help but feel that this is not the way that God intended things to be. God cannot have meant for one of his children to come home and the other to have to live without a family. God cannot have meant for any of his babies to live without a momma and a daddy and brothers and sisters to love them to pieces. And when I think of how much more His heart breaks for them than mine, I wonder how He can live. He loves Carmensita and Evan. He wants His children to step up and help those who can't help themselves. And I think it's about time we did.

Sisters

I watched the new BBC version of Jane Austen's Sense & Sensibility last night.

For those who haven't read it and/or seen it, the story encompasses the paths of the Dashwood sisters, Elinor and Marianne, as they go from being a rich and well-respected family, to a poor one, dependent upon the charity of their relations.

Elinor, the eldest daughter, is very reserved and keeps her feelings to herself. She is mature and responsible and, more often than not, has to take care of her younger sisters and even her mother.

Marianne, the middle daughter, is the exact opposite of Marianne. A true romantic, she loves poetry and music, and is not afraid to speak her mind.

While the story was absolutely phenomenal, what stood out to me was the unfailing love the two elder sisters had for each other. Elinor and Marianne, though as different as possible, each cared deeply for the other, and would do almost anything for their happiness.

Each showed an undying devotion to the other, and would defend them even if others spurned them for it. One of my favorite sisterly scenes is when (CAUTION: CONTAINS SPOILERS) Willoughby comes back after breaking Marianne's heart and begs for Elinor's forgiveness. At this time, Marianne was still at bed, recovering from a fever. Elinor quickly snuffs him out, and sends him away, saying:

"You had my sister's love, and now you have lost it forever. And I am glad of it. She can never be more lost to you than she is now. You are not welcome here."

I almost started cheering. Yes! Go Elinor! You tell him! That is what sisters do for each other.

And at another point, when Marianne is happily marrying another suitor, but Elinor's is lost to hers forever, she says to Elinor as she relays the news first to her sister:

"Don't be angry with me."

"Why should I be angry with you?"

"Because I thought myself so much in love with Willoughby, because I have given you so much grief and trouble, because I shall be happy when you are unhappy."

"I am very happy for you."

As I watched this movie, I couldn't help wishing that I could have that relationship too, that unbreakable bond between sisters. I wondered if I would ever be able to attain that with Evan. Because she has Down syndrome, she will never have the mental capacity or understanding that I do.

But, looking back at my thoughts, I was ashamed of them. That was the world speaking into me. Who says that I can't share all of my secret dreams and desires with my sister? Who cares that she has Down syndrome, and that she doesn't have the same mental capacity as me? She has a greater capacity that I do for unconditional love, and steadfast loyalty. I couldn't believe myself. I was doubting the love and understanding that Evan could relay to me, while I should've been thinking of what I could give to her.

I hope that one day, I will have that sisterly bond with Evan. I hope that one day I'll be as accepting and loving as she is. Her "disability" will only increase her sisterly affection - she will love without holding back, without caring what anyone else thinks, without caring if I've done something wrong. She'll comfort me whether I'm crying over a failed permit test, or I'm devastated over a lost love. Evan will be the sister of all sisters, and I only hope that I can be as good for her as she will be for me.

A Little Something Beautiful

When I got home from school today, I commented on how beautiful it was outside. The sun was out, the sky was blue, billowing creamy clouds hung in the sky, and there was a cool, refreshing breeze.

My dad suggested I take a walk - which I automatically frowned at.

I don't enjoy exercise very much - unless it's with people I feel comfortable and happy being around. A bike ride with Jace? Any day. A game of basketball with Jace and his friends? It's on. A softball practice with some of my best friends? Can't wait. A walk? Sometimes, but not today. Or so I felt.

However, I was immediately struck with the idea of taking Levi for a walk with me. He loves to go outside and see the trees, grass, birds, and cars. So I put him in his little wagon and buckled him up. I would've put socks on him, but he just would've taken them off and thrown them out the wagon.

Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer to have music always. There is never a time when I don't want to listen to music. However, I was debating whether or not to bring my iPod with me on this particular outing, seeing as I wouldn't be able to communicate with Levi with headphones on.

But I quickly rushed inside and brought out my portable iPod speaker. I put it on the opposite side of Levi and plugged in my iPod. After much deliberation, I decided to play the album "Tell Your Mama" by The Vespers. A great, Christian band, their music is a mix of indie and folk. My logic on this was that: 1) I felt it was very calming. 2) Any joggers passing me would hear God's word through the music I was playing.

Throughout our walk, I couldn't have been happier! It was just BEAUTIFUL outside. I had a breeze ruffling my hair, some peaceful background music, and Levi behind me gasping in excitement at every car that passed by.

It was a little something beautiful to kick off my Spring Break.

Hijinks at the Hook House

I thought I'd let you all in on some of the craziness that is my family. Especially Levi. If you don't laugh at his laugh, there's something wrong with you.

This video is stuff from the last week or so. A lot of Levi (he's standing up now a little bit as you can see!). The last video is Jace's 5th Grade Olympics! He's in a green t-shirt with the tatoo on his cheek, looks like he's doing rock-paper-scissors, next to the kid waving a flag around. My friend and I joked that those 5th graders had more school spirit than the entire high school.

Enjoy!

They Really Mean 'The Terrible Twos'

So I walked into the kitchen after watching a TV show, and I found Levi chewing something. When I turned him around, I realized the thing in his mouth was part of a book cover. My book cover. So this is how my book looks now. Ah, the joys of having a two-year-old brother. I sure hope Evan doesn't like chewing things as much.

Sisterhood (Not of the Traveling Pants)

Of all the jobs that I have in this life right now - musician, orphan advocate, composer, author. The one I take most seriously is that of sister.

I hear a lot of people say they hate their brothers and sisters. They'd be better off without them. I don't understand that. I know I couldn't live without Jace and Levi, now Evan too. I'd be absolutely crushed if I found out that Evan couldn't come home.

When I say that being a sister is a job, that's what I mean. But it's a good job, a happy job, albeit a job that requires patience and love.

Being the oldest in my family, I've grown up learning how to sacrifice for those I love. When I was four and we adopted Jace, I had to learn to share Mom and Dad. Jace needed them too. When Levi came I learned to sacrifice time and convenience. You can't take the short and easy way with a Down syndrome child.

I have a responsibility to my siblings, a responsibility to lead them in the right direction. Whether they admit it or not, they are influenced by me and look up to me. For instance, Jace would never have picked up on film scores by himself. He likes them and listens to them because I do. Levi, as well, has picked up on some Black Eyed Peas while I've been listening. The other day when I was listening to it he signed "night" and "sleep" during I Gotta Feeling ("tonight's gonna be a good night").

As their older sister, as well, I protect them. Though it's harder to show for Jace, I am very defensive about him too, and care for him just as much as Levi. For instance, today at his first basketball game, there was a child on the other team he was guarding who was taller than him (and Jace is TALL) and was pretty much a basketball prodigy. Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I thought that kid needed to be kicked out of the game and they all needed to step aside and let Jace shoot.

Or, if I here Levi start crying in another room, I rush in and grab him up into my arms. To me, there is no better feeling than when Levi puts his tiny little arms around me and lays his head down on my shoulder.

One of my biggest fears is that something will happen to us kids while Mom and Dad are gone, and I won't be able to protect Jace and Levi. Like if burglars broke in and had guns and wanted to kidnap us. I couldn't protect them. I can't fight guns! But, when I really think about it, I would absolutely have no hesitation jumping in front of a bullet for Jace or Levi.

But that's what it is to be a sister, to me. I would die for Jace or Levi or Evan. I love them so much I would die.

I'm their big sister, and that's what I do.

Jace

Jace.
J-Bird, Boisenberry, Mandukin, The Manchild.
My little brother, whatever name he goes by.
What can I tell you all about Jace?
He's the only 11-year-old I know that aspires to be an archaeologist and an architect. The only one that dreams of seeing all of the world's tallest and most amazing architectural feats. The only one who asked for all the architecture Lego sets for Christmas (which are labeled 16+).
He's a boy, through and through. Loves fishing, being outside in the woods, not taking showers, and roughing it up with his friends. He loves playing on the floor with his little brother, discussing the finer details of film scores with his big sister, working puzzles and Rubik's cubes with his mom, and wrestling with his dad. Although he does not enjoy mowing the lawn or taking out the recycling, he does it anyway with minimal complaints.
He still forgets to put on deodorant sometimes, and often sweats so much I wonder why he bothers to shower. He sometimes flies a remote-control bug into my head just to freak me out. He still has the weakest tolerance of pain I've ever seen in my life (a stubbed toe gets the reaction of a broken arm).
But, he also has the best belly laugh in the world. He has a heart of gold. He dances like a madman. He has no understanding of evil.
Jace is my brother - the best of the best, at that. He's sometimes loud and always smelly, but I couldn't imagine life without him. He's always there for me, always willing to listen to a new film score, or take my mind off things with a quick basketball game. And I try to be there for him - help him figure out a song on the piano, help him practice recorder, or have a swordfight on the Wii.
Jace is my brother - and I couldn't live without him.

Letting Go - And Having Fun

In life, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You have to work when you don't want to. It's called taking responsibility.

But other times, you need to just let go, loosen up, and have some fun. Did I have a lot of homework today? Yes, but I had a few more days to get it done. Did I have plenty of things to worry about? Absolutely.

But did I also have a little brother who needed some time with his sister now that his Momma was on vacation? Yes, I did. And little brothers trump everything else.

So, without further ado, here's me and Levi just hanging out and having some fun! Maybe by this time next year, I'll be doing this with Evan! Although, I doubt she'll be as ecstatic about seeing herself in a camera as Levi... But, hey, you never know!

Living the Dream

The other day at school, we got an assignment that asked us 'What would your dream life be?' This took quite a bit of thought for me. Would it be having my name in the credits of big movies as the composer? Or starting a youth orchestra in Africa that becomes world famous? However, what I came up with was this:

It was Christmas Eve night, about 8:00. Jace had just been put to bed, and I was walking by his room. "Tori, if you don't go to sleep soon, Santa won't come!" he warned me. "I know, Jace," I replied, gently closing his door. I sat down in one of the recliners in front of the TV, the Christmas tree emitting warm reds, golds, and greens. I felt a tug at my leg and looked down. Evan kneeled right beneath me, her big, gray-blue eyes pleading with me. I gently hoisted her up onto my lap, holding her close. I heard an upset grunt and some whining. Levi sat on the other side of the room, looking very upset that I had picked up Evan and not him. I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to come over here. He grinned and crawled over, holding up his arms for me to get him. I lifted him onto my other knee, and he flashed me his crowd-pleaser smile. However, when he saw who was taking up the other side of my lap, he brought up his hand and smacked Evan right on the arm. "No, sir," I told him, grabbing his hand. "Be gentle." He smiled again and rubbed the palm of his hand smoothly across her face. "Thank you," I told him. Evan was already starting to nod off. I brushed a strand of her light blonde hair out of her sleepy eyes. A few minutes later Dad took Levi to put him to bed (which he protested very loudly). I gently pulled the sleeping Evan up to my shoulder and carried her into her crib. "Good night, Evan," I whispered, gently kissing her forehead. I laid her carefully down in her crib and covered her with a blanket. "I love you. Merry Christmas."

THAT is my dream life, right there. What's funny is that my dream life is already my life. The only thing missing is Evan. I even had Levi hitting someone in there. What I realized is that, I wouldn't change my life even if I could (with the exception of Evan being home faster, but even that will probably change with time). That's because my life has made me who I am. If all of my siblings hadn't been adopted, I probably wouldn't be so passionate about adoption. If my brother and sister didn't have Down syndrome, I probably wouldn't be offended at all when people use the word "retard." But I am. Because of who my life has made me. So the next time you would want to change your life, remember that if your life hadn't been what it is now, you wouldn't be the same person. You'd be completely different.

A Really Big Announcement!

Many of you know that I have two younger brothers. No sisters. Many of you also know that I have always wanted a sister. I prayed countless times for God to give me a sister.

Well, folks, that prayer is being answered!

Yep! You remember Lydia, who I posted about a few days ago? The one who raised over $20,000 to adopt a child with Down syndrome from Eastern Europe? Her family offered to give my family the extra money so we could adopt a child from Reece's Rainbow (see www.reecesrainbow.com). I told my parents it HAD to be a girl. We've got two boys, we need another girl!

So we chose a little girl with Down syndrome from Russia. Her name is Evangeline, Evan for short. The agency tells us that she is calm and affectionate. She's very quiet and she loves to help the caregivers. She also cleans up after all the other children and makes sure everything is neat and tidy. When one of the other children is crying or upset, she'll try to comfort them and make them feel better. She has grayish-blue eyes and super blonde hair. She is the sweetest thing I've seen in my entire life! She's MY SISTER! Now, we have around $9,000 left over from Lydia's fundraising. Adopting from Russia costs around $27,000. I have absolutely no worries that we will be able to raise this money. However, in order to raise money, we have to have people GIVE money. So, please contact me if you're interested!

BUT. Until Christmas is over, I have committed to raising money for little Dennis. I want SO BADLY to start raising money for my sister Evan, but I made a commitment, and I'm going to stick with it. So if you want to donate, please wait until AFTER Christmas, or you can donate to Dennis. Both would be appreciated!! Please be praying for my family and MY SISTER Evan.

This just goes to show that even though it may take YEARS, God does answer your prayers in time! Trust, trust, trust Him. He will not let you down!!!!

(Pictures will have to wait, I'm not sure we have rights to those. I will put them up if and when I can.)

Brothers...You Gotta Love 'Em

So I don't think I've ever introduced you faithful readers to my brothers. I have two AMAZING little brothers.

My brother Jace is 10 years old. He's in 4th grade. Like all little brothers, he totally gets on my nerves. But, he's great for stuff like basketball and hanging out. That's one way older brothers are different than younger brothers - the younger ones let you hang with them, the older ones don't. He's totally obsessed with Star Wars. And he is ROCKIN at Legos. No joke. I'll have to upload a picture of some of the stuff he builds. He also has pretty good taste in music for a ten year old, better than I did anyway (Jump5 *cough, cough*). And, get this, he has hair like.... NICK JONAS. I'm not a particular Jonas Brother fan, but pretty much all OTHER teenage girls are. He wanted to cut it off like Indiana Jones and I said, "Dude, your hair is BETTER than Indiana Jones. He couldn't pull it off." Here's a pic of him:

My other brother is Levi. He's only one. And, let me tell you, he's as cu

te as a button. He's totally a ladies' man. He flirts with all the nurses at the doctor. Both of my brothers are adopted, but Jace looks just like us (weird, I know). Levi is African American. He also has Down syndrome. He's scheduled for heart surgery next month. Yeah. But he's such a heartthrob (or will be, one day). Just LOOK at that smile!

Great brothers, I know. You're all probably jealous - I have one brother that's about the cutest thing ever and another that's a future Nick Jonas. But, like all brothers, they do get annoying. Jace is just LOUD. And I don't mean just a little noisy, I mean REALLY LOUD. And Levi has that feeding tube on his stomach that he can't leave alone unless there's a bandage around his stomach. We have to change it every night and it is GROSS. I won't even go into all the details just in case someone here is a tad squeamish. So, what do I do? I flip out and yell. GASP! It can't be! Well, hate to break it to you people, but I'm only human. As are you. Everybody messes up. Like right there, I just misspelled 'messes' about five times before getting it right. Don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes, just try not to make them again.