Ignoring What You Know Is Coming

Let me make it very clear that there isn't much that I dread more than puking. I would rather have a cough or cold for months than throw up once.

So you can imagine how scared I was when I woke up on Monday morning to find out my brother had barfed like crazy all through the night, was still sicky, and my mom had caught the bug too. Refusing to touch anything they had touched or go anywhere near them, I apprehensively made my way through the day, washing my hands as often as possible and carrying a bottle of hand sanitizer in each hand. I felt queasy all day, most likely because I was paranoid. But, later that night, I felt it coming on. You know how it feels. You know, you just know you're going to throw up. And you can't do a single thing about it.

The dread before throwing up is terrible for me. I mean, I know it must be horrible for everyone, but it's absolutely dreadful (no pun intended) for me. I get so scared that I can barely focus on anything.

None of the handwashing, sanitizing, or staying away from the sickies helped me one speck. I got that stomach bug and there was nothing I could do about it. What was crazy was that I went to all that trouble avoiding it, and got it anyway.

It makes me think about Jesus. If knowing I'm going to throw up causes that much fear in me, I can't even begin to imagine how much knowing He was going to die struck fear in Jesus.

He was fully human. He must have felt fear. He lived his entire life knowing that He was going to die. He must have tried to avoid it. He pleaded with God that there would be some other way to save the world.

I just can't imagine how he'd live. How he'd go every single day and live it like he would live it anyway when he knew he was going to die.

It had to be the hardest thing in the world, ignoring that. But, He did it. It makes me wonder. Should we try and avoid what we know is coming? Or should we accept it, and focus on the things of the present?

Not For You To Know

I was doing a little bit of reading in Acts the other night (I'm trying to read the entire Bible for the first time. Decided I'd go at it in alphabetical order. OCD? Maybe a bit.), when I stumbled across a verse that I had (probably) never read before, but that really impacted me.

He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority."
- Acts 1:7


I like to know things. In all actuality, I would like to know everything. I'd like to know why selfish, spoiled rich people are given everything the world has to offer, while the smallest child in Africa is forced to be a soldier for a war he doesn't even understand.

I'd like to know the name of the man I will marry, or even if I will marry. It'd save a whole lot of future drama and heartache, I'm sure.

I'd like to know what God wants me to do after high school. Go to college? Go to Africa? Russia? Will I even live to complete high school?

We all want to know things. We always have. It started at the beginning of time. Why did Eve eat the fruit? To gain God's knowledge. She wanted to know what only God knew. Her desire is in the heart of every one of us, today. We all want to know the things that only God does.

Sometimes I get mad at God for withholding this information from me. I get frustrated, and I yell at Him. Why can't I know?! It's my life! I deserve to know what's going on in my life!

But, I have to check myself. He is God. I betrayed Him, and still He gave his Son to rescue me. I don't deserve anything. I have no right to know anything!

And, even more so, it is not my life. When I became a Christian, I gave my life to God. All of it. My anxiety, my entomophobia, all my faults. I'm so quick to release my fears and faults to God, but I'm less so to release my talents and gifts. When I gave my life to Him, I gave all of my life. My music, my love for special needs kids, my love for my family, everything. It's all His. I am dead. I am no longer my own. I have died, and my body now belongs to God. He brought me back, and now I serve Him, and only Him.

So who am I to ask for any knowledge? I've made so many mistakes with only the knowledge I have. Whose to say I wouldn't repeat the action? What if I tried to change what God's plan for my life was? Knowing would throw off God's perfect plan. It's not for me to know. God is my authority. If He says I don't need to know it, I don't need to know it.

And I trust Him. I've learned to trust Him to reveal what I need to know when I need to know it. Never sooner, never later. Right on time. Because He's God. And God has everything timed perfectly.

Peru

I leave for Peru in less than 48 hours.

Aren't you so excited?


About as excited as I am nervous - which is a lot.

My nerves didn't really kick in until I had to learn the Hoedown Throwdown (from the Hannah Montana movie). You think it's funny? You try learning it. It's not as easy as it looks. Especially for someone who dances only with her three-year-old brother.

As the time of our departure grew nearer and nearer, I got more and more nervous. I would've backed out, I'm sure, if it wasn't too late for that. I was already too committed.

On top of that, I'm teaching a "workshop" on Eve for teenage girls, which is a message/discussion.

While I always knew it was out of my comfort zone, I trusted that God could use me in great ways through something like that.

Now... I think quite differently. What in the world was I thinking when I signed up for this? I can't do this!


My brain has been on constant overload this week, my anxiety surfacing more than it normally does.

But, I'm learning a lot. Lesson #1: Do not wait to cut out kids' Sunday school crafts until the week before you leave. Your hand will feel like it's going to fall off and you're going to be left with a stub.

I don't have any sense of contentment at the moment, like I thought I would. All I can think is that I'm not ready for this. I made a mistake when I signed up, and the church leaders made a mistake when they chose me to go. This whole thing was just a big mistake.

But, there's no going back now. And isn't that how God works? Through people's mistakes? It's only through our weaknesses that we can see His strength.

That being said, never underestimate the power of prayer. If you would be willing, I'd like you to pray for the health of our team (spiritually, physically, and otherwise), that God would prepare our hearts, that He would take away all our fears, and that He would bless both us and the Peruvians over the next week and a half.

Porque tanto amó Dios al mundo, que dio a su Hijo unigénito, para que todo el que cree en él no se pierda, sino que tenga vida eterna.
                     - Juan 3:16

Overcoming Anxiety

I used to be the person that gets nervous about everything. Not just a little jittery, but breakdown nervous. Crying, feeling sick, hyperventilating. That used to be me. I had a generalized anxiety disorder.

Then I started to take counseling. People always think that counseling is a bad thing. Why? Counselors are like doctors for your mind. They help you fix things that you don't know how to fix yourself.

It's been almost nine months since I started seeing a counselor, and all of my family and friends can see a difference. I don't let things bother me as much, and I have a much higher self-esteem. Over time, my counselor had helped me reconstruct my negative thinking patterns of "I can't do this," "I'm not good enough," and "I have to be perfect."

It is so liberating to be free of my restrictive anxiety. I would literally almost make myself sick with nervousness before when now, I only get a few butterflies in my stomach. I learned how to recognize tension in my body and how to control it. I can make my body relax now. I learned how to control my breathing, and my thought processes.

I almost feel like a new person. I don't have to worry anymore. I've learned how to stop my negative thoughts before they go spiraling downwards.

All of this through the providence of God, and a counselor. And people think they're a bad thing... My counselor helped me knock down barriers that were preventing me from being the person God wants me to be.

And I thank God for her. I thank God that she has helped me overcome anxiety.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

So lately I've been somewhat depressed. My baby brother's been in the hospital for a week and a half. This is the third or fourth time this year he's been in. I know my way around Vanderbilt and I can't get from my house to school!!! Now that's just SAD. But I've also been introduced to some people who are hurting ten times more than I am. If I thought I was going through a tough time, listen to these stories:

Jake is 18-years-old. He's across the hall from us.

He's waiting for a heart.

He's already been to one hospital and they turned him away and said they couldn't help him. The doctors here haven't given him a very good chance. If he doesn't get a heart soon, he'll day.

Emily, a little baby girl, got life-flighted in yesterday. She was aspirating because the doctors at a different hospital forced liquid into her mouth when she had trouble swallowing. This also caused her to develop heart problems. And her parents don't even have money for gas or a hotel.

When I think of these people, I think, "Wow, I can't believe I've been so selfish as to think that I was going through a hard time when these people are going through so much worse."

I've been trying to be happier now, to give those people hope. Let them know that Jesus loves them and he's ALWAYS there for them. No matter what they're going through. Just the way we act is a testimony for Jesus. Because people just don't understand how we can still be happy, hoping, and trusting in such situations. And when they ask, we can say "I've got the love of Jesus." It's a wonderful thing, to be able to say that. So remember to act (or try to act) in a way that honors the Lord. I know we can't ever live up to his standards, but that shouldn't stop us from trying. Jesus loves it when we try. He loves it when we're striving to please him. Even if we fail. He still loves us. We need to show him in our lives. Be HAPPY!!! The King of the Universe died for YOU and he's coming back to bring us to paradise!!!

Live what you believe!

Putting It In Perspective

So it's the eve of the last day before Spring Break, right? And I'm sitting at the dining room table about to have a breakdown. I can feel the tears coming, the frustration bottling up inside me - it's coming.

Why, you ask, can I be so upset when we only have ONE DAY left until Spring Break?

Because I had too much to do.

Science project, giant math review packet, reading an assigned book, and decorating my "Tennessee Can" for History.

So my buddy came over and we got the science project out of the way, but what about all this other stuff?

The clock read 8:14 p.m. and there was no way I was doing all of this and getting enough sleep. Being a perfectionist, the concept I had to integrate now was foreign and unwanted. This was....

PRIORITIZING (put your tasks in order from most important to least important, and get as many done as you can. Forget the rest.)

So.... science project - done. Math packet - yeah, I needed to get that done (giant test the next day). Reading - I'd do it in homeroom tomorrow. And, by that time folks, I'd be drop-dead tired. So, you know what that means. Yep, I'd have to drop... THE TENNESSEE CAN!!!

Oh, the horror! I would be sent to detention for not getting this done! Well, I thought, at least they can't send me until next week.

I walked into Social Studies class the next day expecting the worst. "Mr. Harley," I said, "I'm really sorry but I left my Tennessee Can at home."

And you know what he said? NOT that I would be sent to detention or ISS or ALC, but that I could just turn it in when we got back. You know what that means...

ALL THAT WORRYING WAS FOR NOTHING!!!

It was all in vain! So next time you think something's going to be the end of the world, put it in perspective. When I'm an adult, I'm not going to be reminiscing about that one time in 8th grade when I forgot my Tennessee Can. If you don't think it'll be important twenty years from now, it shouldn't be overly important now. So just take my advice...

Put the things in your life in perspective.