The Call

Since I was about twelve years old, I've known that my mission was Africa. I remember the first time being a missionary to Africa ever entered my little mind. I was watching "Idol Gives Back" on American Idol, and they showed footage of the judges visiting the children in Africa. I sat transfixed. I want to do that. It was followed my a song sung by the African Children's Choir. The music was beautiful, and I fell in love with it.

I've had various phases since then. The rock star phase and the famous film score composer phase (I'd send my money to Africa). The orchestra director phase (I'd start a youth orchestra in Africa). Or the just plain, old teacher/orphanage worker phase (in Africa, of course). See, I've never second-guessed my call to Africa.

I went to Peru this summer as, well, sort of settling. They didn't have a youth trip to Africa, so I guessed Peru would have to do. I honestly was not prepared for how much I would love it.

All through the week while I was there, I considered the fact that maybe I wasn't called to Africa. Maybe I was called to Peru.

But, I was so happy to be home, I figured, no. That can't be it. I didn't love Peru, I loved what God did in Peru. That's true, but when I think about it now, I think maybe, just maybe, God does want me to serve him in Peru.

Because my views have changed since that trip. Before, my heart was set on Africa, and I wanted to go on as many other missions as I could. Now, that's still sort of true, but it's changed. I would absolutely love to be able to go to Africa. But, I have to go back to Peru. I have to see my friends again. I have to love on my kids again.

It scares me. Not knowing where I've been called. It limits my preparation. I don't want to bother learning a language yet, what if I never need it? I can't roll my "R"'s, so I can't even pronounce Spanish. Why would God send me to a country where I can't even pronounce the words?

I don't know. I just don't know much of anything yet. And, I don't like it one bit. But, I suppose He reveals everything when He should, so, for now, I'll just try and be patient. Try not to think about Peru every hour. Try not to let my heart hurt for my Peruvian babies. Try not to think about the life-changing decision I'll have to make someday. I'll try, even though I don't know where I'm going.

God's Perfect Timing

Meet Carmensita. Carmensita is a little girl I met while I was in Peru. She lives at an orphanage where the children are not adoptable because their parents never gave up custody of them.

Carmensita is around four or five years old, yet she still lives in the baby house. She eats in a high chair. This is because of her eyes. She has "a neurological problem in both of her eyes" as well as a "deformed left leg". She didn't get a lot of attention at the baby house, and she didn't seem to have any friends.

I thought she was one of the most beautiful little children I've ever met. She loved to sing, and she would try so hard to focus her crooked, little eyes on me. But she couldn't quite do it. She fell asleep snuggled up to my chest, even called me Mama. Carmensita touched my heart.

So I was determined to help her, in any way I could. I asked the pastor of the church we partnered with if it would be possible to send her to a doctor to have her eyes examined, to see exactly what was wrong with her.

I waited and waited and waited for a reply. I don't remember patience ever being that hard. But, finally, I got a reply.

The pastor said it was VERY possible for her to see a doctor for her eyes to be examined, and that it would cost around $75. I couldn't believe it! Finally, finally, there was something I could do to help her, my little Peruvian princess.

They also said that I could send her a Christmas present! Carmensita will have Christmas this year! They also said they could find César, the little boy with cerebral palsy, and Héctor, the little boy with Down syndrome so I could give them gifts too!

Just when I was on my last leg, just when I thought I couldn't hold out anymore, when I was missing Peru so much I'd sit on my front porch crying about it, God gave me a way to help my little Peruvians! His timing is so perfect! He gave me what I wanted only when I needed it.

Be praying for little Carmensita. If her eyes and/or her leg require surgery to be fixed, I will start researching medical visas for orphans. But, as much as I want to see her, I hope that's not the case.

God is so good!

Never-Ending Aftereffects

It's been exactly fifty days since I got back from Peru.

And, while the incurable restlessness isn't as bad as it was the first few weeks, it's still very present.

I work at preparing the Christmas Warrior Project 2010 with a burning passion as much as I can because it's the only time I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Sometimes I try and work on it even when there's nothing else I can do. It's the only way I can get a little taste of what I experienced serving God in Peru here in America. It's only a fraction of it, but it's more than normal.

While I am so incredibly blessed that I got to go to Peru, and it gave me a clear purpose for my life, sometimes I wish I could forget what I felt there. I loved it; it was amazing while I was there. But, the memories become heart-wrenching here, because I can't experience them here.

I almost had a breakdown today while doing algebra homework. I thought, What am I doing? God, why in the world do you want me sitting in an empty bedroom doing algebra that I'll never need and listening to classical music when I could be serving your children? I could be saving the orphans! I could be doing so much more than I am now.


He hasn't answered yet. Maybe I'm not ready for whatever God has planned. Maybe someday, I'll need algebra (as unlikely as that seems).

The memories have faded for those that weren't on the trip. They forget. They don't understand. But, for those who were there, those who experienced, it's impossible to move on in the same way as before. Absolutely impossible.  And, sometimes, we don't know what to do about it.

All Through One Little Boy

How was Peru?

The three-second answer:

God changed my life and showed me what to do with it all through one little boy.

I want you guys to meet someone. This is Hectór.

Hectór is eight years old, and he has Down syndrome. At first, I was unsure if he had Down's or not - a lot of Peruvians have wide eyes. But then he smiled. And his smile looked exactly like Levi's. Already with tears in my eyes, I went over to say hello to him. He was sitting with his mother at a table. None of the other children were speaking to him.

I knelt next to him and said, "Hola, Hectór!"

His grin immediately covered his entire face and, all of a sudden, I had the air knocked out of me. Two little arms had wrapped themselves tightly around my neck. Two little legs had latched around my waist. And, one little wet mouth kissed me over and over again.

At this point, the sobs started racking my body. This little boy reminded me so much of Levi, yet he probably lived in a hut with no water, no heat/AC, no room of his own. He'd probably grown up with his mom trying to teach him everything she could, not understanding why her son couldn't learn like the other children. He'd probably never been to physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy. He probably never will.

It wasn't fair. How was it fair, that I, who has everything this world has to offer, could be unhappy anytime, when this little boy, who had nothing was uncontrollably full of joy just to meet a stranger?

How did I get everything, when he was the one that deserved it?

I sat with Hectór, crying more than I can ever remember, for the entire hour we were there. When he noticed my tears, he got up from my lap and ran off somewhere. Heartbroken that I might never see him again, the sobs continued. But, suddenly, I felt two little hands rubbing across my face, full of tissues. Hectór was wiping away my tears. I was blown away. I couldn't believe how selfish I'd always been, how blind. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know much Spanish, so I said the only thing I knew, over and over again - Gracias!

I felt like my heart was being physically wrenched out of my body when we had to leave. One of our mission trip leaders literally had to grab me by the arm and drag me out of the building. As I was about to get on the bus, Hectór ran out of the building and grabbed my legs shouting, "No, no, no!" I fell to the ground and held him there for another five minutes, sobbing harder than I ever have.

Leaving Hectór was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, but it made me realize how fortunate we are. I complain about all of Levi's therapies, but what if he didn't have them? He was a late walker already, but what if he hadn't had physical therapy? Would he be walking now?

Or, what if Levi didn't have feeding therapy? Would he ever be able to eat anything besides cheese puffs, french fries, and smoothies?

What if Levi didn't have a hospital to go to? A hospital that treats special needs kids the same as regular kids? He wouldn't even be alive.

What if he didn't have pediatricians to go to? We wouldn't know he refluxed. We wouldn't know he aspirated. We wouldn't have known his heart needed fixing.

Special needs kids in other parts of the world don't have these resources. And we take them for granted. Think of how special needs people are thought different, alien, and abnormal here in America. How much more magnified is that in countries where they don't have resources to learn anything to help them in the world?

While I was in Peru, God spoke more clearly to me than I have ever heard Him. He said these words to me as if he were sitting right next to me:

You will fight a battle. And you will fight for the children that cannot fight for themselves.

That is his plan for my life. And I'm ready to dive in. I'm ready to fight.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.
                           - Proverbs 31:8

Peru

I leave for Peru in less than 48 hours.

Aren't you so excited?


About as excited as I am nervous - which is a lot.

My nerves didn't really kick in until I had to learn the Hoedown Throwdown (from the Hannah Montana movie). You think it's funny? You try learning it. It's not as easy as it looks. Especially for someone who dances only with her three-year-old brother.

As the time of our departure grew nearer and nearer, I got more and more nervous. I would've backed out, I'm sure, if it wasn't too late for that. I was already too committed.

On top of that, I'm teaching a "workshop" on Eve for teenage girls, which is a message/discussion.

While I always knew it was out of my comfort zone, I trusted that God could use me in great ways through something like that.

Now... I think quite differently. What in the world was I thinking when I signed up for this? I can't do this!


My brain has been on constant overload this week, my anxiety surfacing more than it normally does.

But, I'm learning a lot. Lesson #1: Do not wait to cut out kids' Sunday school crafts until the week before you leave. Your hand will feel like it's going to fall off and you're going to be left with a stub.

I don't have any sense of contentment at the moment, like I thought I would. All I can think is that I'm not ready for this. I made a mistake when I signed up, and the church leaders made a mistake when they chose me to go. This whole thing was just a big mistake.

But, there's no going back now. And isn't that how God works? Through people's mistakes? It's only through our weaknesses that we can see His strength.

That being said, never underestimate the power of prayer. If you would be willing, I'd like you to pray for the health of our team (spiritually, physically, and otherwise), that God would prepare our hearts, that He would take away all our fears, and that He would bless both us and the Peruvians over the next week and a half.

Porque tanto amó Dios al mundo, que dio a su Hijo unigénito, para que todo el que cree en él no se pierda, sino que tenga vida eterna.
                     - Juan 3:16

God Provides

The final cost for the Peru trip is $1420.

A few weeks ago, all I had was $75. I was worried. I was very worried that I wouldn't have enough money to go on the trip.

However, I set these worries aside so that I could enjoy the company of my extended family, especially my cousin Sydney, as she was graduating from high school, and I wasn't sure when I'd get to see her again.

During our trip to see my extended family, one of my family members took me aside and began to talk to me about the Peru trip.

"So, how much do you have so far?"

"Well, not much, but I'm getting there."

"Do you think you'll get many donations?"

"I don't know. But, I can babysit and have bake sales and stuff. I'm sure I'll make it."

"Well, I really want you to focus on having fun and learning a lot on this trip, and don't want you to have to worry, so I want to pay for half of your trip."

I'm not sure what my face looked like, but I know what my mind looked like - blank.

He continued. "Do you think $725 will be okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, that'll be great!"

I hadn't wanted to write letters asking for donations. I don't like to ask people for money. And, on top of that, the format for our letter showed that they could check a box to donate $500. I wanted to leave it out. "Who would donate $500?" I thought. It felt like I was asking for quite a bit, kind of being impertinent.

How wrong I was.

God showed me why. Why I had to write the letters. Why I had to put that $500 or over checkbox. Why I had to trust him when I didn't think I could.

God provided for me. And he'll provide for you too.

El ir a Perú

El ir a Perú, amigos. Going to Peru, friends.

That's right. I get to spend a week and a half this summer helping and serving the people of Comas, Peru (a city 30 miles north of Lima).

Of all the things we get to do including leadership training, evangelistic outreach, and technical work on the school, the thing I look forward to most is the 5-day clubs we will put on for the children of the area.

I love children, and getting to serve the children of Comas, Peru is a blessing beyond comparison to me. This is what I've been dreaming of for years - getting to teach children, love children, in third-world countries. I can't explain how excited and blessed I am!

The trip will be in late July/early August, so I've got quite a bit of time to prepare. But, to me, it's never to early. I've already started writing support letters, and thinking of ways to raise the needed money for the trip. I'm also memorizing John 3:16 in Spanish (which I cannot speak at all). And, yesterday to top it off, I bought an album off of iTunes called "Viva la Musica Peruana" (The Music of Peru Alive).

I would ask that you all pray for the unity of our team, that we will hear and follow what God's will is for us, and that we will bless the people of Comas as I'm sure they will bless us!

Gracias por sus oraciones!

Porque tanto amo Dios al mundo que dio a su hijo unigentio, para que todo el que cree en el no se piedra sino que tenga la vida eterna.

- Juan 3:16