It's been exactly fifty days since I got back from Peru.
And, while the incurable restlessness isn't as bad as it was the first few weeks, it's still very present.
I work at preparing the Christmas Warrior Project 2010 with a burning passion as much as I can because it's the only time I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Sometimes I try and work on it even when there's nothing else I can do. It's the only way I can get a little taste of what I experienced serving God in Peru here in America. It's only a fraction of it, but it's more than normal.
While I am so incredibly blessed that I got to go to Peru, and it gave me a clear purpose for my life, sometimes I wish I could forget what I felt there. I loved it; it was amazing while I was there. But, the memories become heart-wrenching here, because I can't experience them here.
I almost had a breakdown today while doing algebra homework. I thought, What am I doing? God, why in the world do you want me sitting in an empty bedroom doing algebra that I'll never need and listening to classical music when I could be serving your children? I could be saving the orphans! I could be doing so much more than I am now.
He hasn't answered yet. Maybe I'm not ready for whatever God has planned. Maybe someday, I'll need algebra (as unlikely as that seems).
The memories have faded for those that weren't on the trip. They forget. They don't understand. But, for those who were there, those who experienced, it's impossible to move on in the same way as before. Absolutely impossible. And, sometimes, we don't know what to do about it.