Thursday, January 20, 2011
I am empty, thirsty, weary,
Coming back to you with empty hands.
You are waiting for me, you fill me, gently
Bring me back to you, once again.
~ "First Love"
I look back at blog posts about our adoption from a year ago and I think, "Wow. And I thought I was tired of waiting then."
I'll probably look back at this blog post in a month or two and think the same thing.
Every step of the way, the waiting gets harder. I get more and more frustrated. I feel like I'm in a pitch black room. I can't see where I'm going. I'm scared. I'm tired. I want to find light, but I can't. I'm fumbling around with my arms in front of me, trying to find something to hold on to. It's like I know that God's hand is there, but I can't feel it. I can't find it. And it scares me.
Another blogger recently did I post on our family and three others adopting from our same region. About how long we've been waiting. About how we need prayer. She said, "They are scared and weary of broken promises."
That is so true. I am so scared. I'm terrified that I can't see in front of me. I am so tired. Exhausted. Our agency has been "cautiously optimistic" about a court date for six months. Those words have literally no weight with me now because we've heard them so much. Every single week they tell us they think we'll get a court date and every single week our hopes are crushed. I don't know why I bother getting my hopes back up again every week. It hurts just as much or more every time.
I am so incredibly tired of this waiting. It scares me that I have no power. It scares me that my sister is living in an orphanage. It scares me that I have nightmares of her dying. If this is the Devil attacking, then so be it. But, I need my God. If I'm going to be attacked weekly, and even while I'm sleeping, I need Him.
I try to be so strong about it. I try to keep a good attitude. I try and tell people that God has everything under control. That God has a reason for everything. I tell them not to get discouraged, when I struggle telling myself the same exact thing.
When I do tell people how frustrated and broken and tired I am, I struggle to keep from crying.
I am asking for some immense prayer. I am asking for warrior prayer. Across the world, a little girl with Down syndrome is sitting in an orphanage waiting for a family. Pray her home.