Saturday, January 1, 2011

Learning To Trust

It's officially 2011. My family celebrated New Year's in a quiet way - playing dominoes and watching movies. While we were visibly happy, I think it was weighing on all of our minds that another year had come and gone and our baby girl still wasn't home.

You see, there's a fear inside of me. What if Evan doesn't come home? How long are we willing to wait? We love Evan with everything in us, but how do we know that Russia isn't going to keep holding their power over us, making us wait longer, fill out more paperwork, do more lab tests, in a vicious cycle over and over. It's not like they care about us. Or her. What if Russia never releases its grip? We've spent tons of time and money that could have been directed to bringing another orphan to a forever family. A part of me stubbornly and fiercely insists that I will never, never give up on Evan, while the other whispers that another baby could have a home.

I can't yet tell if this is God's voice telling us it's time to move on, or Satan's voice trying to persuade us to stop pursuing Evan when really we're closer than we know.

You see, I struggle with this on a daily basis, this fear that takes over your life. A wise mentor once told me that fear was a sin. Fear was the act of not trusting God to take care of you. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I have to pray to my God, whom I apparently don't trust, and beg Him to please help me learn how to trust Him because I sure can't do it on my own.

Even now, I'm awake at 2:00 in the morning with my lights on, writing a New Year's blog post because it's storming and when it storms I'm afraid there'll be a tornado and we'll all die. I try to trust Him. I really do. I sit with my lights out, shaking and trying to keep calm, but I can't. I just can't do it.

My New Year's resolution? Learn to trust my God. Or at least try to. They say that God comes to those who truly seek Him. I guess we'll find out.

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