It seems surreal that I'm leaving for China tomorrow.
Six months ago, I didn't even want to go to China, and now I'm getting ready to board a plane to Beijing!
It was the thought that I could meet another Levi or another Evan or another Carmencita that initially made me say "yes" to the trip.
And, over time, that yes grew and grew and grew until I had absolutely no doubt that God wanted me to be in China for a few weeks.
But, what scared me more than anything else was the thing that made me the most excited.
What if I met another Carmencita?
What if I met another precious baby that stole my heart, ripped it out of my chest?
Loving people is hard. Especially when they live across the world. Loving Carmencita has been incredible, but it has also been difficult. Difficult to know that she might never have a mom and dad. Difficult to know that she could be suffering and there's nothing I can do about it.
In some ways, I wish I didn't love her so much. It would take away so much heartache. It would take away so many moments of embarrassing tears. It would take away hoping for something so hard, and that watching it get smashed to pieces over and over and over.
But I just can't help it. I love her, and I will never stop loving her.
And part of me is absolutely terrified that this will happen in China too. Some little boy or girl, probably one of the shy ones that people aren't normally drawn to, is going to steal my heart right out of me. And then I'll have loves on opposite sides of the world. Peru. China. How will I balance it out?
How can I show my love to each child when they're so far apart?
So as I leave for China tomorrow, I pray that God will give me a heart that is open to love these children. That my heart won't close simply out of the fear that loving people hurts sometimes. I pray that God will force into me the knowledge that, yes, love is hard sometimes, but it is full of laughter and joy and so much more. And every single one of those children is worth being loved. I pray that He will lead me to the children that need me to show them that love. The love that I have in my heart, placed their by God himself. I pray that I will be only the instrument of this love, that I won't choose to hold it back or give it to whom I want to give it to, but give this love to whom God wants me to.
Mostly I thank Him for giving me the incredible opportunity to go to China and to be His light to the special needs children there. Please keep my team in your prayers for the next two weeks.
I may or may not be able to post from Maria's Big House, so keep checking the blog for possible updates!