It is impossible to put into words how happy I am that Evan is coming home! I can already see her running through the halls in our house, joining in with me and Levi and Jace for a dance party, and playing dress-up. I had friends call me on Friday and tell me that they had literally cried when they heard the news. In a way, my friends seemed more excited than I was. But, I think that's just the way I take things. I will not, cannot believe it's true until I see Evan on American soil with my own eyes. Until then, it just seems surreal.
But, as excited as I am, a part of my heart is on another side of the world. It lies with a little girl who will never be adopted. A little girl I love with every fiber of my being. A little girl who I get to see twice a year, at most. My baby, my niña, my little girl.
I love her so much it hurts. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish I was there with her. I know she is very well taken care of, especially for a special needs child in Peru. I know that she still has a connection, whether physical or legal I'm not sure, with her mother. But, I also know that she is not getting the love that she needs. And, oh, how I want to give her that love!
I am ecstatic that Evan is coming home, but my heart physically aches for Carmencita. I know God has a purpose for us. I know He has a reason behind intertwining our lives, but I can't see it yet. We can't adopt her, so what can I do? I'm doing everything I can. Surgeries, doctors appointments, you name it. I will do anything humanly possible to get her the care she needs. But, she doesn't just need medical attention, or food, or warm clothes. She needs love. Real love.
And it is the hardest thing in the world to have to depend on God for that. I can't give her that love from across the world, but God can. And I have to trust that somehow, someway, He will convey His love for Carmencita to her. I have to believe that He can and will, or I would go insane wanting her to know how beautiful she is and how much she deserves to be fully and deeply loved.