Monday, April 4, 2011
How Do You Know?
I knew when I was twelve years old that I didn't want to live in America when I grew up. I knew that I wanted to live in a third world country taking care of orphans. I knew that, deep down inside me. I knew it from the moment I saw the African Children's Choir on American Idol. Those were the kind of people I wanted to work with. Orphans. The fatherless. Those who couldn't fight for themselves.
My feelings only grew when I went to Peru last summer. I came back and I hated America. I hated living in the United States. All I wanted was to go back to the orphanage.
Then I learned something that shifted my perspective. My church offers an internship in Peru during the summer, where you can do virtually anything you want. I could visit the orphanage several times a week, and spend the rest of my time loving on other kids in Peru.
But then something happened. Something grew inside of me that was foreign. I couldn't understand it. Was this fear? Was I scared? How could I be scared? This is what I'd dreamt of for nearly four years. How could I be scared when this was all I'd ever wanted?
Suspicions started sneaking their way in. Maybe this isn't what I wanted after all. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I don't even speak Spanish. I say that I could last, but could I really?
I'm not sure. And it drives me insane. How do I know? How do I know for sure that this is what God has called me to? What if I've been dreaming of this my whole life and it's not even what God intends for me to do? Or worse, what if it is what God intends me to do, and I'm too scared to do it?
But, I do love that orphanage. I feel more comfortable in Peru than I would in, say, Africa. And, oh how I love those kids. But, could I handle it the way I think I could?
I am very at war within myself. Praying a lot. That's all I can do, really. Pray, and hope that God reveals His will to me in time. I've got a while, after all. And He chooses when to reveal His plans.
He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority."
- Acts 1: 7