Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I have never had such swirling emotions as I did tonight.

I was so excited to be coming back to my Wednesday night youth service at church. It truly is the highlight of my week. But I had intense worry and fear hanging over me about Evan's court case (which is tonight at 1:00). And I was still missing the orphanage and Carmensita so much it hurt. Not to mention my parents both being gone on top of this.

Somehow all of this plus so much more culminated into one big breakdown during worship. I could feel it coming on. I started to feel tears forming in my eyes and tried so hard to stay calm. Don't cry. Don't cry. You have to be the strong one. You have to be the one that reassures everyone else. You can't cry. Crying is embarrassing. You are always so vulnerable and so weepy. Don't cry more than you already have.

All the protesting in the world couldn't have stopped what was coming. I was so scared. Terrified that Evan wouldn't come home. I was depressed and aching for the orphanage and Carmensita. And I was struggling internally with the question, "If God loves me so much, then why does this hurt so bad?"

I felt like I was drowning. I was overwhelmed. I was confused. I was tired. And I didn't want to have to hold it together for other people anymore. So I broke down and held onto God for dear life.

Praise God for my friends. Praise God for all the people who are praying for Evan tonight. Praise God, praise God, praise God. I don't understand Him most of the time, but I know, I know that He has my best interest, Evan's best interest, and Carmensita's best interest at heart. I was surrounded tonight by so many people who showered me with so much love and prayer that I am still shaking from the impact.

God has surrounded me with such beautiful, passionate brothers and sisters in Christ. And many times I forget it. To all my friends who helped me through my confusion and brokenness tonight (you know who you are), thank you. I can't say thank you enough times to fully do it justice. I am always blown away that I have friends would love and pray for me. Me, in all my brokenness, in all my imperfection. They love me and they care about me. And that means so incredibly much. I may have another breakdown just because I am so thankful for you. You may not have seen it, but God used you to calm my soul tonight. I was scared and I was anxious and I was discouraged, but God used you to help me through that. And to learn to trust Him. To learn that He is still good regardless of the outcome. Thank you.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
           - Romans 12:15


  1. Many of us are crying with you... also terrified that Evan and Kirill and Baby J and so many others will not come home.

    Just know that there are so many people who are right there with you. Who will be staying up all night waiting to find out if there has been a miracle in Evan's life.

    There will be many people crying with you regardless of this judge's decision. Just as we have cried with Kirill's family and continue to.

    Please let us know how your family is doing. We are thinking of all of you.

  2. How can we help- how can we pray and advocate the best as we appeal to the Father for Evan? God bless and bless!

  3. Tori,
    I want you to know that I prayed for Evan until at least 10:30, maybe more. I know I fell asleep praying, and that's saying a lot. I have a hard time falling asleep. You will get to hold your baby sister before you know it!