An area where God has been teaching me patience lately is in my desire for a sister.
I've wanted a sister since I was old enough to know what one was. When I was younger, I would pray every night, "Dear Jesus, please help me to have a sister."
It never happened. It STILL hasn't happened. Maybe it won't ever happen.
I've got two younger brothers and, truthfully, it was probably better that way. I wouldn't have enjoyed playing dolls or tea parties. I would have rather been wrestling with Jace or making scary faces with Levi.
My family is trying to pursue the adoption of a little girl (also with Down syndrome) in Africa. Jace was completely in love with this baby (but not in an awkward way).
However, I had my heart set on a different child right here in the U.S. who was being fostered by one of our family friends. This child had spina bifida, a disorder that we knew nothing about. I watched as she was adopted into another family. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy that she found a family who will be perfect for her and LOVE her to death. I just wish it would have been our family.
Once I had lost hope of getting the little girl with spina bifida, I changed my goal to the baby in Africa. But, once again, I may be disappointed. The country she lives in has closed all adoptions through America, and it's not looking like we'll be able to get her.
I'm almost afraid to hope for a child to enter our family now. The love I felt for both of those girls was so strong that it made my heart hurt that they would never be a part of my family. I know that God has a perfect plan for our family, but it's SOOOOO hard for me to wait. I want to know NOW who's going to come into our family. That way I won't get another broken heart. I won't have another hoped-for sister ripped out of my life. I've closed myself off from getting to attached to any one child because I know we might not get her.
But, somehow, I feel that this isn't what God wants me to do. He doesn't want me to close off my heart, but guard it. He wants me to patient and know that He already has my family planned out. And if that means no sister, it means no sister. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to be patient with him and with those around me.
It's not easy. But, then again, no one said it would be.