As I prepare to leave for Peru, once more, on Saturday, many different thoughts and topics race through my mind.
First and foremost is the magnificence of my God. A God who, despite all reasoning and all statistics, provided $1600 in 4 days, putting me $700 over the required $1920 to go to Peru. Why do I worry when God always provides? You'd think after so much time, I'd have learned to trust Him.
Following my period of anxiety about not getting enough finances and Worthday not going right, I've finally acquired a sense of peace. While I still dread getting sick or not getting to see Hectór and Carmencita or even not connecting with people on the team, I have this peace in me. I'm going back to Peru. I have to trust that no matter what happens, God is going to transform me.
My familiar enemy jealousy returns now, as well. As we near the outcome of literally months of hard work and preparation for Worthday, I can't help but be jealous when others get most of the credit for what has been accomplished. Because I'm not a very vocal person, people don't see me as a leader of Worthday, or as the one in charge. And, while, in some ways that's a blessing, it can also be very frustrating to see other team members get the credit for Worthday, when I have also helped craft it. It has taken much prayer and self-control to try and make myself be happy for others when I hear people praising what they've done with Worthday. I hope that in time, this will become second nature to me, and that God will teach me to be more like Him in this way.
In fact, God used a comment at tonight's final Peru meeting to shift my attention and conviction from others and onto myself.
We were sharing with each other what we were looking forward to most about having each other on the Peru trip. I struggled with jealousy as other team members got comments about Worthday. About how they had been such a brilliant leader and headed it up. About how their drive and passion were inspiring. Brimming with jealousy, the comment aimed at me slowly shifted my thoughts. They mentioned about how they couldn't wait to see me with "my babies". To watch me love them with a contagious love.
And I stopped. And thought about it. Why had I done Worthday? What had Worthday started out as?
Love. It all started with me falling in love with a little girl named Carmencita in an orphanage in Peru. And I just couldn't let her go. I hadn't started Worthday because I wanted people to think I was so awesome. Because I wanted all the attention. I started Worthday because I loved Carmencita. Because I wanted all the other kids at that orphanage to be loved the way I loved Carmencita.
What should it matter if I don't get all the credit? If I don't get any of the credit? If just one of those precious orphans understands how much we love them and how much God loves them, it will be worth it. It would be worth having absolutely no credit. No attention.
So I've decided instead of focusing on the faults of others for not noticing what I've done for Worthday, I need to abandon my selfish thoughts and focus on what needs to be fixed inside of me. I need to focus on preparing my heart to love my team, the people of Peru, the rest of the orphans, and all the other people we encounter with the love I've shown Carmencita.