Friday, September 16, 2011

I Deserve

Pride is the sin of sins. The one that everyone struggles with, but no one likes to confront. Pride is what brings down the best of the best. It ruins those who would otherwise be considered saint-like.

Pride is something that I struggle with a lot. But it's not the normal kind of pride. My pride comes from a different angle, a different area.

I don't brag a lot. I don't accept compliments easily. In fact, I despise flaunting my talents, even going to the point of hiding them because I don't want to be considered arrogant. All this to show that, in general, I probably would not be considered an excessively arrogant or prideful person. But, this is where my sin lies. I have pride in being humble.

I take pride in not accepting compliments. In people thinking, "Oh, Tori, she's so humble." I take great pride in that. And that is a hard kind of pride to overcome, because while I want to be humble, I want to do it for the right reasons. And my motives are not pure in any way. Sometimes they are. But more often than not, I have an ulterior.

Another area of pride that I struggle in is entitlement. Especially in Worthday, or in orphan care. That was my idea. I deserve the credit for that. I deserve the glory. Even in my life. God, why am I not in Peru? I deserve to live a more meaningful life than this. I deserve to know what I'm doing here. I deserve to know what Your plan is.

The truth?

I deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. In fact, if I deserve anything, it's a painful, bloody death. When I think of all the sins I have committed today, let alone this week, this year, or in my lifetime, I realize that I am worthy of NOTHING. No praise, no glory, no knowledge, no nothing. And I am absolutely ashamed of my pride. I am embarrassed to look at God, to talk to God. My sins are overwhelming. How can I even turn my face to Him?

This is why God's mercy never ceases to amaze me. How did He find worth in me? How did He see worth in someone like me? Someone who sins every day, spat in his face, denied His goodness to the world? Why would God have mercy on me?

The best part? There is no answer. In this life, I will never know what God saw in me. Why He saw fit to pull me up off the ground and help me learn to walk with Him. Why He thought I was worth it. I will never know.

And I'm learning to realize that I am not entitled to know. I am not entitled to anything. Any pride that I have, I want it to come from the Lord.

"Tori, you are beautiful." - Praise God.

"Tori, you're so smart." - It's all thanks to God.

"Tori, you're such a good writer." - It's all God's words coming through me. I thank Him that He allows me to write them.

"Tori, you're so great! You started Worthday!" - God started Worthday. He just brought me along for the ride.

I want all the glory for everything in my life to go to God. Because, without Him, I would be worth nothing. So let's point people to the one who the glory really goes to. He deserves it far more than I ever will.

... and I said, 'O my God, I am ashamed and embarrassed to lift up my face to You, my God, for [my] iniquities have risen above [my] head and [my] guilt has grown even to the heavens." ~ Ezra 9:6

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