The Hardest Decision

Choosing not to go on a mission trip this summer was one of the hardest I've had to make in a long time.

It's impossible to fully explain my thought processes. I've been so back and forth the last few months.

In February, I finally made up my mind to go back to Carmencita's orphanage with a church in Texas. It was when they gave me a deadline for the money that I started to have doubts.

I was incredibly, overwhelmingly stressed out. How was I going to get enough money in time? But I had to stop myself: God had provided before, He would do it again. But, then, I couldn't just expect the money to land on my front porch. I'd have to work for it.

And all that planning. I knew the time that went into preparing for a missions trip.

And even the trip itself. In past years, I've felt nervous, yes, but also an unwavering joy and excitement to go. There was none of that this year. In a way, I feel like I was choosing to go simply because that's what I was supposed to do. If I didn't go on missions trip, wasn't that missions girl, then who was I?

But God spoke to me gently, and harshly to me at the same time. He told me, through His word, through prayer, and through many others in my life, that this was not the time for me to go. My spirit, my mind, and my body are all exhausted. I'm tired, and I've forgotten how to take care of myself. I'm so worn down; I'm running on an empty tank. And if there's no fuel left in me to fuel myself, I can't possibly fuel other people.

So in a quick email, with the push of a send button, I decided not to go to Peru. God and my dad quenched my thoughts of guilt. I had been walking a mission field in my own home for the past year, waking up daily to show Jesus' unconditional love to the people it was hardest to show it to: Levi and Evan, and the rest of my family.

And in deciding not to go, I felt a weight lifted from me. A burden taken off my shoulders. It was one less thing I had to worry about.

My one regret, the one thing that still hurts my heart every time I think about not going to Peru this year, the one thing that still makes me genuinely, horribly upset about it is Carmencita.

I still miss her just as much as I missed her the day I got back last summer. And the thought of not seeing her this year, by my own choice, is heartwrenching. Thoughts of guilt and betrayal flash through my mind. Does she think I don't care about her? Does she think I don't want to see her, that I don't want to take care of her?

But all I can really do is take these things to God, and pray with everything in me that even though she can't see me, she knows that I love her, that I will do everything in my power to take care of her, and that God loves her even more than I do.

And finally, when all that weight came off, I could really understand the meaning of one of my favorite verses from this past year. It was starting to make sense, to feel  right:

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
          - Matthew 11:28-30

Purpose

I've always been a dreamer.

I like to reach for the stars, and I'm not ashamed of it. I like to think big.

But sometimes, I think a little too big.

Do you ever wonder what God has in store for you? What plans He has for your life?

I do. I do more than I should. In fact, my dwelling on the future has left my present dull and unsatisfactory. You see, my fault lies in pride. That sin that we all struggle with, but the sin itself keeps us from admitting it to ourselves.

My pride makes me want attention. I want to be recognized. Known. But not just for anything. I don't want to be known for being the best composer in the world. I don't want to be known for writing the best books. Those would all be great, but I want a higher glory. I want to be known for doing something great for God.

My friends jokingly call me Mother "Torisa". What they don't know, though, is that she is exactly who I aspire to be. I want so badly to be known, like her, for doing incredible things to advance God's Word.

I want it more than I should, and not always for the right reasons.

And sometimes, I get so caught up in wondering what big plans God has for me and how I can prepare myself for them, that I simply get tangled.

I leave God out of the equation. I want to do big things for God, but if I can't even do little things for Him, why would He entrust me with big things?

He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much.
            - Luke 16:10 (NASB)


I was completely forgetting about God. The one who gave me the mind to dream. Who gave me the ability to live them. My cheeks grew hot with shame as I realized I hadn't given God a second thought in all this.

I hadn't thought about what would be a big help to Him. What would bring glory to Him. All I was concerned about was what would bring glory to me.

I realized that maybe God didn't want me to be the next Katie Davis. Maybe God didn't want me to be known for freeing the special needs orphans from the oppressive system in Russia and Eastern Europe. Maybe God didn't want me to be the next Mother Teresa.

Maybe God wants me to grow up and write. Maybe God wants me to care for orphans quietly. Maybe God wants me to get married and be a mom.

Just a mom!? I think.

But I have to stop myself. I'm distorting God's view of accomplishments. To God, raising kids that are devoted to Him and follow Him may very well be just as important and just as worthy of the statement, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," as being Mother Teresa.

Who is to say that the people who are known are better or "more godly" than the people who are unknown?

Our society tells us that in order to be important and reach the "top tier" of accomplishment and approval in the world, we need to be known. We need to be famous.

Sadly, I apply this to my relationship with God as well. In order to be considered one of those "good and faithful servants" I need to accomplish some great thing or another in my lifetime.

And I forget that my purpose in this life, my only purpose, is to glorify God. Not become the next biggest thing in orphan care. Not be the next Beth Moore. Not any of that. Glorify him.

When I change a diaper.

When I'm sitting in precalculus.

When I'm laying my head on my pillow at night.

When I'm texting someone.

In whatever I do, I glorify God. And that, not any earthly accomplishment, is what will make me a "good and faithful servant."

Old Stories in a New Way: Creation

"Old Stories in a New Way" is a series highlighting Bible stories that most people have heard from the time they were infants. Teenagers especially have ceased to see the magic and wonder in the Bible simply because the stories have become so predictably normal. What people forget is that the Bible is anything but normal: the Bible is the world's greatest story, an adventure beyond anything we could ever imagine. It's time for people to hear the old stories of the Bible in a new way.

Recommended reading before the article: Genesis 1. I don't care if you've read it 3 million times. Read it again.


The creation of the world is one of the hottest topics for debate in the world today. People who don't want to believe that what's in the Bible is true come up with explanation after explanation of why Creation is not a plausible way to look at things. Mainly because in order to acknowledge Creation by a higher being, one must then, in turn, acknowledge the existence of a higher being, i.e. God. And they really don't want to accept that.

However, what many don't realize is that the majority of the evidence in favor of Darwinism has been disproved. The diagram with all the monkeys? Doesn't work. The one with the little buggish organism turning into a baby? They found out that it was never even thought to be true. It was fake. Completely fake, known to be so even by its creator.

In fact, much of scientific evidence today points to Creation, though the majority of scientists would choose to ignore it.

But, all this aside, Creation is, first and foremost, a story. One that we've heard so many times that we almost groan at hearing it again. We have stopped seeing how amazing it is because we've heard it so much. But, when you really think about it, the majority of the things in Genesis 1 are so incredible, so preposterous, so unbelievably incomprehensible that we can't even begin to wrap our little minds around it.

Most of us can't grasp the thought that in the beginning, there was nothing but darkness. That doesn't make any sense at all. Not to mention the fact that God was already there. God was there before the earth, before the heavens, before everything. God had no beginning. He simply is. In our minds, things absolutely must have a beginning and an end. But God doesn't. And it puzzles us exceedingly. Where did God come from? He must have come from somewhere.

And while we brush over the creation of the sun, the stars, the oceans, land, and animals, listing them off like something we had to memorize for a test, we skim over the fact that God created something out of nothing. For us measly humans, that is literally impossible. You cannot create something out of nothing.

Turn of all the lights in the room so that it's completely dark. Sit in the darkness for a moment. Then without moving at all, without lifting a single finger, just say, "light." Does anything happen? No, of course not!

But that's exactly what God did. He could utter a single word and something that was previously nonexistent would suddenly appear. How can you not be amazed at that?

Lastly, we forget so often that our God is an artist. We think of God as distant and standoffish. A rather boring, legalistic presence.

Our God is the most creative person that ever lived. He's like Picasso times a million. Do you realize what we do when we skim over the story of Creation like it's nothing new, like it's old information, like we've heard it once and we don't care about it anymore?

We discredit the greatest artist who ever lived. That would be like looking at Van Gogh's greatest painting and saying, "That's absolute crap. It's not even worth me looking at. I don't care about how long it took him to paint it. I don't care that he meticulously chose each of the colors to make it the most pleasing to the mind's eye. I don't care that he took the time to paint it for others to enjoy."

Our God created the world for us. He told us the story of Creation in Genesis so that we would be in awe, so that we would fully appreciate the effort and thought He put into making it for us. He made light because He knew would we delight in the sun's rays on our faces in the summer. He made the moon and the stars and the constellations knowing that the study of them would intrigue and inspire His children for centuries. He created the oceans and the streams so that we could take joy in the sound of rushing water and the feel of the ocean breeze and the sensation of wet sand squishing between our toes. He created the mountains and valleys, the great ruts and majestic landmarks of the earth so that we could look upon them with wonder and think of the God who made them. He created multitudes of animals and fish and other creatures so that we could see them and never have a doubt in our minds that there is a God.

How sad it must make Him when we don't even want to hear about it. When we don't want to take the time to appreciate the work He put into creating this for us. When we can't even take a few minutes of our lives to take in the beauty that He so purposefully placed around us. It makes me so ashamed that I can't appreciate the incredible gift that my God has given me.

And if our refusal to appreciate the beauty of the things He put around us makes Him sad, can you even imagine how devastating it is when we speak or think badly about His masterpieces?

When we gossip about other people or even think badly of ourselves we are discrediting God. God created us in His image, perfectly formed, the way we are supposed to be. When we call each other or ourselves ugly or make comments about our hair, our face, our bodies, we are telling God, "You didn't do a good enough job. You messed up."

God doesn't make mistakes. He knows that. But, oh how it must hurt Him to think that we think His greatest creation is a mistake. When we talk badly about ourselves or other people, we don't even stop to think about how it makes God, our Creator, feel. Maybe we should.