Answers - Or Lack Thereof

I'm the kind of person who likes everything to be in order. I like things to be well-planned out. I like to know exactly what's going to happen long before it does. In short, I like answers. And I like to have them fast.

Unfortunately for me, that's not always the way God works.

I'll admit that when I fasted last weekend, I expected answers right away. I expected God to reveal exactly what I was supposed to do exactly when I wanted him to. And He didn't.

After much pointless fretting and worrying, I took the advice of my parents and decided to wait until the last minute to make a decision, giving God as much time as possible to reveal His will to me. While this definitely seemed like a good plan, it went against every fiber of my planning-obsessed being not to want a fast decision. To want to make that decision before I needed to.

Well, I've hit the deadline. And there was no magic revelation, no time that I knew exactly, positively that this is what God wanted me to do. But, throughout the week, everything has pushed me towards making this one, certain decision. It's made me more confident about it, and I think that's God's way of telling me what He wants me to do.

This year, I will be applying to go to both China and Peru. This is approximately $5,500 in mission trips. I have to raise that by summer. At first I thought it was crazy. In fact, everyone else thought it was crazy too. How in the world could I raise that much by summer? I had trouble raising the $1,500 for Peru last year - this was more than triple that!

But God's in the business of crazy. I fully believe now that this is what God wants me to do. The only thing holding me back was fear that I couldn't do it, that God couldn't do it. But He can. And He will.

Fasting

I've never fasted before. Truthfully, I never wanted to, never really saw the point.

Fasting, though, is not simply "starving yourself for God", which is what I always thought it was (hence never seeing a point). When you think about how hungry you are, you instead direct your mind to whatever you want to be praying for or about. This keeps you focused on God and what you intended to be focused on.

Today and tomorrow, I'm fasting. For various reasons, some that can't be shared yet, but also for a decision that I have to make soon.

In the next year, I have the potential opportunity to go to both Peru and China. I'll be caring for orphans in both places. I feel called to both places. The only problem: I don't know that I have the resources to raise the funds for both places.

I fully believe that if I'm supposed to go to both China and Peru, God will provide the funds for both. But, I don't want to rush in and commit to both when God doesn't really want me to.

Hence the fasting. Well, part of it. I hope with all my heart that God will reveal something to me during this time. All I want is His will to be done, whether that be China, Peru, or both.

The Call

Since I was about twelve years old, I've known that my mission was Africa. I remember the first time being a missionary to Africa ever entered my little mind. I was watching "Idol Gives Back" on American Idol, and they showed footage of the judges visiting the children in Africa. I sat transfixed. I want to do that. It was followed my a song sung by the African Children's Choir. The music was beautiful, and I fell in love with it.

I've had various phases since then. The rock star phase and the famous film score composer phase (I'd send my money to Africa). The orchestra director phase (I'd start a youth orchestra in Africa). Or the just plain, old teacher/orphanage worker phase (in Africa, of course). See, I've never second-guessed my call to Africa.

I went to Peru this summer as, well, sort of settling. They didn't have a youth trip to Africa, so I guessed Peru would have to do. I honestly was not prepared for how much I would love it.

All through the week while I was there, I considered the fact that maybe I wasn't called to Africa. Maybe I was called to Peru.

But, I was so happy to be home, I figured, no. That can't be it. I didn't love Peru, I loved what God did in Peru. That's true, but when I think about it now, I think maybe, just maybe, God does want me to serve him in Peru.

Because my views have changed since that trip. Before, my heart was set on Africa, and I wanted to go on as many other missions as I could. Now, that's still sort of true, but it's changed. I would absolutely love to be able to go to Africa. But, I have to go back to Peru. I have to see my friends again. I have to love on my kids again.

It scares me. Not knowing where I've been called. It limits my preparation. I don't want to bother learning a language yet, what if I never need it? I can't roll my "R"'s, so I can't even pronounce Spanish. Why would God send me to a country where I can't even pronounce the words?

I don't know. I just don't know much of anything yet. And, I don't like it one bit. But, I suppose He reveals everything when He should, so, for now, I'll just try and be patient. Try not to think about Peru every hour. Try not to let my heart hurt for my Peruvian babies. Try not to think about the life-changing decision I'll have to make someday. I'll try, even though I don't know where I'm going.

Running for God

I am not a runner. In fact, I am not an athletic person at all. I can run about twenty steps and then be completely winded. But, I need to run.

See, in the next year or two, there are a lot of mission trips I'd like to be able to go on, lots of precious kids I want to love. I want to go to Peru, Côte d'Ivoire, Kenya, and Uganda. That's approximately $16, 500 worth of mission trips. That's a lot of money. You can be sure that people will get tired of me asking for money for missions, so then what do I do?

How on earth do I get that much money?

My dad gave me a solution. He sure knows how to motivate his daughter. A 5K. I have to run a 5K. He says that if I can do it, he'll pay for one of my mission trips. A whole mission trip. That's a least $1, 500 off my plate.

At the beginning of this week, I could walk a mile in about 20 minutes. The past two days, I've cut that down to 18 minutes, alternating between jogging and walking. That's a big deal for me. I didn't think I could walk a mile, let alone jog parts of it.

I don't enjoy running, though. I don't enjoy it one speck. But, I see it as reaching a goal, as running toward something. Every mile I run is a mile closer to Peru or Africa.

God is showing me that the things I never thought I could do, He can do through me. I can share my testimony in front of a church full of people who don't speak my language. I can run a 5K.

We can run for God, just like we run for a mission, or for any cause. No, reading the Bible isn't always the funnest thing ever. No, we don't always want to go to church, but we do it because we have to keep running. Because if we stop, we may never start again.

Never-Ending Aftereffects

It's been exactly fifty days since I got back from Peru.

And, while the incurable restlessness isn't as bad as it was the first few weeks, it's still very present.

I work at preparing the Christmas Warrior Project 2010 with a burning passion as much as I can because it's the only time I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Sometimes I try and work on it even when there's nothing else I can do. It's the only way I can get a little taste of what I experienced serving God in Peru here in America. It's only a fraction of it, but it's more than normal.

While I am so incredibly blessed that I got to go to Peru, and it gave me a clear purpose for my life, sometimes I wish I could forget what I felt there. I loved it; it was amazing while I was there. But, the memories become heart-wrenching here, because I can't experience them here.

I almost had a breakdown today while doing algebra homework. I thought, What am I doing? God, why in the world do you want me sitting in an empty bedroom doing algebra that I'll never need and listening to classical music when I could be serving your children? I could be saving the orphans! I could be doing so much more than I am now.


He hasn't answered yet. Maybe I'm not ready for whatever God has planned. Maybe someday, I'll need algebra (as unlikely as that seems).

The memories have faded for those that weren't on the trip. They forget. They don't understand. But, for those who were there, those who experienced, it's impossible to move on in the same way as before. Absolutely impossible.  And, sometimes, we don't know what to do about it.

Crash Landing

My youth pastor said right before we came home that we were all on a mission trip high. And, to prepare ourselves to be injected into society again.

I didn't believe him. I didn't feel like I was on a spiritual high. I felt like I could hear the Hallelujah Chorus and might start crying I was so happy to be home.

Even after I was home with my family again, I didn't feel like I'd come down from a high. I felt like I'd never been on a high, and that now I was just filled with more passion, and more drive to do God's will.

What I didn't realize is that that was the high.

The first few days home, I spent planning ways to help special needs kids, especially the ones I'd met in Peru. I started planning for the Christmas Warrior project.

About five days after being back, I crashed. In Peru, I was used to my days being packed full of doing God's will and loving on "unlovable" kids. Here, there's no orphanage to visit. Here, there's not hundreds of kids roaming the streets.

I crashed big time. What am I doing here? Can this really be where God wants me? Why waste my time going to school, learning things like Algebra and Chemistry? I don't need those things to love on kids!

While, I'm still struggling with the crash from the "mission trip high" I was on, I've realized that, no, I'm not going to be loving on orphans every day here. But, I can show God's very same love by loving on my brothers. I can show his love for children by volunteering in my church's kids ministry.

I may not be able to get people to come to Christ by doing the Hoedown Throwdown in the street and giving them a cheap bracelet here, but I can be open with my friends about God and Jesus. I can let my words and actions show His love.

See, the battle ended in Peru, but the war is still happening right now. In school, at home with our families, on the bus, at church, with our friends. We let our guard down here, and we allow Satan's minions to infiltrate us from the inside. There is a war here in America, a war that we are losing because we refuse to see it. It's time for Christians to put on our armor, and take up God's sword. It's time to fight.

Peru

I leave for Peru in less than 48 hours.

Aren't you so excited?


About as excited as I am nervous - which is a lot.

My nerves didn't really kick in until I had to learn the Hoedown Throwdown (from the Hannah Montana movie). You think it's funny? You try learning it. It's not as easy as it looks. Especially for someone who dances only with her three-year-old brother.

As the time of our departure grew nearer and nearer, I got more and more nervous. I would've backed out, I'm sure, if it wasn't too late for that. I was already too committed.

On top of that, I'm teaching a "workshop" on Eve for teenage girls, which is a message/discussion.

While I always knew it was out of my comfort zone, I trusted that God could use me in great ways through something like that.

Now... I think quite differently. What in the world was I thinking when I signed up for this? I can't do this!


My brain has been on constant overload this week, my anxiety surfacing more than it normally does.

But, I'm learning a lot. Lesson #1: Do not wait to cut out kids' Sunday school crafts until the week before you leave. Your hand will feel like it's going to fall off and you're going to be left with a stub.

I don't have any sense of contentment at the moment, like I thought I would. All I can think is that I'm not ready for this. I made a mistake when I signed up, and the church leaders made a mistake when they chose me to go. This whole thing was just a big mistake.

But, there's no going back now. And isn't that how God works? Through people's mistakes? It's only through our weaknesses that we can see His strength.

That being said, never underestimate the power of prayer. If you would be willing, I'd like you to pray for the health of our team (spiritually, physically, and otherwise), that God would prepare our hearts, that He would take away all our fears, and that He would bless both us and the Peruvians over the next week and a half.

Porque tanto amó Dios al mundo, que dio a su Hijo unigénito, para que todo el que cree en él no se pierda, sino que tenga vida eterna.
                     - Juan 3:16

El ir a Perú

El ir a Perú, amigos. Going to Peru, friends.

That's right. I get to spend a week and a half this summer helping and serving the people of Comas, Peru (a city 30 miles north of Lima).

Of all the things we get to do including leadership training, evangelistic outreach, and technical work on the school, the thing I look forward to most is the 5-day clubs we will put on for the children of the area.

I love children, and getting to serve the children of Comas, Peru is a blessing beyond comparison to me. This is what I've been dreaming of for years - getting to teach children, love children, in third-world countries. I can't explain how excited and blessed I am!

The trip will be in late July/early August, so I've got quite a bit of time to prepare. But, to me, it's never to early. I've already started writing support letters, and thinking of ways to raise the needed money for the trip. I'm also memorizing John 3:16 in Spanish (which I cannot speak at all). And, yesterday to top it off, I bought an album off of iTunes called "Viva la Musica Peruana" (The Music of Peru Alive).

I would ask that you all pray for the unity of our team, that we will hear and follow what God's will is for us, and that we will bless the people of Comas as I'm sure they will bless us!

Gracias por sus oraciones!

Porque tanto amo Dios al mundo que dio a su hijo unigentio, para que todo el que cree en el no se piedra sino que tenga la vida eterna.

- Juan 3:16