Wicked Barbecue Jesus Freaks

It has been a crazy two weeks.

I had a great fall break. It's never bad to get a break from school. I went to my grandparents' house, rightly labeled "The Spa," where I got to sleep as late I wanted, eat whatever I wanted, and watch as many movies as I wanted. Needless to say, I was in Tori Heaven. But, can you believe it? I actually missed getting up and walking. I noticed the effects that not walking had on me. Restless sleep. Bad breakouts of acne. Who knew what a difference walking was making?

While I was there, I got to see the Broadway show (well, not technically on Broadway) Wicked. I had heard this show built up and built up and built up by friends. Needless to say, it lived up to my expectations. The music? Fabulous. The effects? Breathtaking. But the best part of all? The story. As someone who loves writing, reading, and stories in general, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time thinking, Whoever thought this up is the most creative genius in the universe. Word of advice, though - Don't read the book. My parents won't even let me try it because the foul language is so frequently used.

While I was there, I got to eat some small town barbecue. Believe me, there is nothing better than a good barbecue sandwich, a hot bowl of Chili, and some sweet tea.

What I was not expecting over fall break, though, was the disagreement I'd encounter over my plans for my life. As of now, I don't even know if I want to go to college. My dream life would be living in a dirt poor orphanage, loving on kids for my whole life. As I was relating this to a few people, all they would say in reply was, "Well, I wouldn't do that."

While they didn't say it, I could see it in their eyes. They disapproved. They did not think that I was using the gifts God has given me to my full extent. Film score composer? They'd love it. Famous author? Just as good. But not dirt poor. Not a dirt poor girl living in a dirt poor place.

Truthfully, this opposition took me off guard. I was not used to people discouraging my dreams of working in an orphanage. In fact, I was used to being built up for it. My family, my church, my friends - they all support my goals, college or no college, rich or poor. I won't lie - it shook me. Is this how most people feel? I thought. Do they feel like I'm going to waste? There was a time not too long ago that I thought that very same thing. God's gifted me at writing classical music, at writing in general, at academics - I can't just throw all that away.

But, just because I don't use my talents in a way that the world sees as rewarding, does not mean that God isn't using them. And I've learned that not a lot of people will understand that. But only One opinion really matters.

Not For You To Know

I was doing a little bit of reading in Acts the other night (I'm trying to read the entire Bible for the first time. Decided I'd go at it in alphabetical order. OCD? Maybe a bit.), when I stumbled across a verse that I had (probably) never read before, but that really impacted me.

He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority."
- Acts 1:7


I like to know things. In all actuality, I would like to know everything. I'd like to know why selfish, spoiled rich people are given everything the world has to offer, while the smallest child in Africa is forced to be a soldier for a war he doesn't even understand.

I'd like to know the name of the man I will marry, or even if I will marry. It'd save a whole lot of future drama and heartache, I'm sure.

I'd like to know what God wants me to do after high school. Go to college? Go to Africa? Russia? Will I even live to complete high school?

We all want to know things. We always have. It started at the beginning of time. Why did Eve eat the fruit? To gain God's knowledge. She wanted to know what only God knew. Her desire is in the heart of every one of us, today. We all want to know the things that only God does.

Sometimes I get mad at God for withholding this information from me. I get frustrated, and I yell at Him. Why can't I know?! It's my life! I deserve to know what's going on in my life!

But, I have to check myself. He is God. I betrayed Him, and still He gave his Son to rescue me. I don't deserve anything. I have no right to know anything!

And, even more so, it is not my life. When I became a Christian, I gave my life to God. All of it. My anxiety, my entomophobia, all my faults. I'm so quick to release my fears and faults to God, but I'm less so to release my talents and gifts. When I gave my life to Him, I gave all of my life. My music, my love for special needs kids, my love for my family, everything. It's all His. I am dead. I am no longer my own. I have died, and my body now belongs to God. He brought me back, and now I serve Him, and only Him.

So who am I to ask for any knowledge? I've made so many mistakes with only the knowledge I have. Whose to say I wouldn't repeat the action? What if I tried to change what God's plan for my life was? Knowing would throw off God's perfect plan. It's not for me to know. God is my authority. If He says I don't need to know it, I don't need to know it.

And I trust Him. I've learned to trust Him to reveal what I need to know when I need to know it. Never sooner, never later. Right on time. Because He's God. And God has everything timed perfectly.