A Leader By Default

What is a leader?

"Someone who has incredible character."

"Someone who's excited about their cause and about being a leader."

"Someone who's confident."

"Someone who remains calm in crazy situations."

"Someone who's good at forming relationships."

"Someone who's good at talking to people."

I guess that people automatically assume that I'm a leader because I'm passionate about my cause, and maybe that's true. But, I can promise that I don't always like to be the leader. I don't think I'm a natural leader. I'd rather follow someone else. But, the truth is that in the area of teens aiding with special needs orphans and orphan care in general, there isn't anyone else to take the lead. I wasn't born a leader. I was forced to be a leader because no one else will step up and do what needs to be done.

And I can't stand it. I am a natural worrier, and I can't begin to tell you how stressed I've been the past few days. I'm running two fundraisers for the Christmas Warrior Project 2010, not to mention school, church, orchestra, and all sorts of other things. I would give up the Christmas Warrior Project. I really would. But I can't. Because NO ONE ELSE CARES ENOUGH TO TAKE THE LEAD. Only me. That's not me being such a natural leader - that's me being forced to lead because no one else will.

I don't like leading. Frankly, I don't think I'm very good at it. I definitely don't have "incredible character". I'm not excited about being a leader. I'm not confident. I have a breakdown when things don't go perfectly right. And I'm absolutely terrible at forming relationships and talking to people, especially people I don't know.

But this is where God has put me. And, I guess he likes to be ironic. Because He chose the worst possible person to lead in the world. A person who stresses so much she can't believe her brain hasn't exploded. A person who is scared of talking to "normal" teenagers because she's afraid they won't like her. A person who doesn't want to lead. God shows us again and again that He likes to use our weaknesses to show His strengths.