Selfish Ambitions

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life.
- Jesus (Mark 8:34-35 NLT)

I never realized how many selfish ambitions I have. Selfish ambitions that I have refused to put aside to follow Jesus for so long. I become more and more sure, daily, that God is calling me to orphan ministry.

But, I still hold on to that dream of going to college and becoming a film score composer. But, when I really thought about it, as painful as it was for me to realize, the only reason I really wanted to be a film score composer was because I'm good at writing music, and maybe (just maybe) I would be famous. Fame. That's a very selfish ambition. I think perhaps God is leading me away from that path because He knows he's gifted me in that area, but He doesn't want me to turn that gift into something that I use for my own purposes (for instance, fame). Whereas, in someplace like Africa, I could use my gift of music to glorify the Lord, and that'd be the only reason I'd use it.

I don't know how many of you all listen to Christian music, but one of my favorite Christian bands is BarlowGirl. This song really struck a chord with me while I was thinking about this, so I just thought I'd share some of the lyrics.

My hands hold safely to my dreams,
Clutching tightly - not one has fallen.
So many years I've shaped each one,
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now You're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh-so tightly.
Can't open my hands, can't let go.
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can't You let me go?

"Surrender, surrender," You whisper gently.
You say I will be free.
I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.

You say You have a plan for me,
And you want the best for my life.
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with one
That's committed to Your calling.
I know, of course, what I should do,
That I can't hold these dreams forever.
If I give them now to You,
Will You take them away forever,
Or can I dream again?

"Surrender, surrender," You whisper gently.
You say I will be free.
I know, but can't You see?
My dreams are me.